Ordained Suffering

What does it mean that I serve a God who ordains suffering?  Who has and will ordain suffering in my life?  This isn’t exactly a message that has been preached at many of the churches I’ve attended.  I can’t say it’s something we spend a lot of time talking about in small groups or Bible studies.  Oh, I know that I serve a God who makes “all things work together for my good.”  It’s easy to name and claim that one.  And it’s true: I serve a warrior God, one who rises up and defends me.  He fights my battles and shelters me under His wing.  But He also ordains suffering in my life… sometimes He simply stays with me through the storm, instead of simply commanding it to cease.  Often I must fight my own battles.  While I know he could rise to my defense for every storm or pain or struggle that came my way and rid of it, He chooses not to.  He chooses not to.

He promises that all things work together for my good.  He promises that He only has the best for me.  Yet He allows and sometimes brings suffering into my life.  My flesh imagines this to be a contradiction, that somehow by “good” and “best” He must mean “easy” and “painless.”  But not true!  His ways are higher and greater than mine, and I deny His sovereignty when I limit His plans to my minute understanding.  We are never promised that life would be easy or that our struggles and issues and problems in this world would be erased once we chose to follow Him.  In fact, it’s the opposite.  We are told that we will have trouble, that we will be hated by the world (as Jesus was).  Are we promised joy and peace regardless of how crappy life gets? Yes.  Provision?  Absolutely.  God promises to be our portion… enough to sustain us.  He does not promise a lifetime of abundance or wealth or perfect health.  He promises to sustain, to be our portion and our delight.

What does this mean for me in this moment?  It means that right now, He would rather I be devastatingly lonely but fully His.  He wants me to run to His heart first.  If that means that He must block my other go-to’s, He will.  Like in Hosea, where God says that He will draw His bride to the desert, that He will block her preferred paths with thorn bushes.  The dessert is certainly not a place of abundance.  I imagine it is a place of misery, of never being able to escape the heat, being desperate for water, and exhausted.  Yet God says this is where His bride will remember Him and turn to Him, where she will realize that all of her good things come from Him.  She will renew her love and give herself to Him… in the desert.  Not in the most beautiful room of an exotic palace.  Not a cozy, comfy location where abundance abounds.  No, her love is most focused on her God when she is in a place of desperation and suffering.  Does He leave her there?  Certainly not.  But our God knows that lessons are learned in the desert.  That sometimes my heart only listens when I’m alone and desperate and all my options and other gods have been exhausted.  So why would I ever refuse the honor of pursuing His best for me – even if that includes suffering – by rebuking all the troubles and pain and suffering I’m faced with in this world?  Being lonely hurts.  It sucks.  But here, in this broken place, is where I’ve realized (again) that He is the only place my restless heart finds rest.  That I’m dying for something more and not finding it.  That the love I’m looking for is not to be found on this earth, not outside of His hand.  His exposure of the things I pursue for fulfillment hurts.  It’s disappointing and painful and terrifying.  But He would prefer that I have an aching heart that is His than a blindly content heart that is broken in its pursuit of things other than Him.  He doesn’t take the pain away.  Or provide all the answers.  I serve a God who is much more interested in making me fully His that in my comfort.  Yet in the pursuit of being fully His, I will find my portion, my delight, my hope.  That is what I want.  More than I want a cush life devoid of struggles, more than I want the desires of my heart, I want to find in Him my portion.  To live knowing that simply He is enough.  I don’t know that yet.  It’s easy to say, but I haven’t learned to make it one of the deep convictions of my heart.

You, my Lord, are amazing.  It baffles my mind to think of some of the many things You are to me:  loving, warrior, defender, joy, peace, hope, delight, rest, suffering ordain-er.  I want whatever you have for me.  Including the parts that are painful and scary because I know that You are better than anything I could come up with by myself.  

“Your love tears me up and when it’s done puts me back together

Your love calls me out of my death and my failure…”

Enough

I'm thankful that when I'm not selfless enough, not steadfast enough, not giving enough, not focused enough, when I'm broken and confused and distracted and selfish, when I forget to yearn... even in all of those times, I'm thankful that You are enough.  That Your grace is enough, and that it is new every morning.

I don't deserve it.  I did absolutely nothing to earn it.  Teach me to abandon this selfish pride, this desire to serve only myself.  Teach me to surrender my brokenness instead of trying to hide it.

Thank you for all sufficient, abounding grace.  Thank you that it will be new tomorrow.  Thank you for being steadfast in your pursuit of me even when I am not.

"The Lord always keeps His promises; He is gracious in all He does."
- Psalms 145:13

"'But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
When that day comes,' says the Lord,
'you will call me "my husband"
instead of "my master."
I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips,
and you will never mention them again.
I will make you my wife forever,
showing you righteousness and justice,
unfailing love and compassion.
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the Lord.'"
- Hosea 2:14, 16-17, 19-20

good gifts vs the best gifts... and yes i realize this is a recurring theme

Recently I've been thinking alot about good gifts and the best gifts. It seems there is a (quickly growing) movement that is kinda lumped into the 'prosperity gospel.' Basically, it says that Jesus wants us to always be healthy/happy, well provided for, and have healthy, great relationships. All the time.

Now, I don't completely disagree. Jesus wants to give us good gifts. Does he want us to constantly be sick, starving, poor, and surrounded by dysfunctional relationships? Absolutely not. But nowhere, ever, did He promise that life would be perfect and struggle-free.

We live in a fallen world. We sin. There is sickness, imperfection, poverty, and weakness everywhere in this world. God empowers us to overcome (through the blood of His Son - not through any power or effort of our own), but that doesn't mean that the consequences of a fallen world disappear.

God desires to give us the BEST gift, not just something we can get by with. Often, though, His definition of 'best' is very different from ours. I know that His 'best' does not mean that everyone will always be wealthy, healthy, and happy. Those are not necessarily bad things, but He tells us to take up our cross daily... that's an instrument of torture. Yes, He gives us grace, peace, joy, and strength for the journey, but never a promise that things will be easy. Never a promise that He will erase every struggle we'll ever encounter. That was never part of the deal.

Sometimes, I think his best is found in the midst of the struggle. How else do we learn perseverance, faith, trust, endurance, and steadfastness? How do we learn to always hold fast to His hand if the path is always easy? How do we know that He is our strength if we never suffer? How do we develop the character He desires us to learn without the lessons? There are refinements that can never happen without the fire.

Working in health care, I think I have an interesting take on health and healing. Modern medicine is a gift, one that I think the Lord uses frequently to heal, minister, and draw others into Himself. Ultimately, though, He is the only true healer. Can He heal without modern medicine? Absolutely. Does He? Often, when we ask, and sometimes when we don't. Will He heal every time we ask? No. He is a sovereign God who's ways are greater, and He cannot be limited to a formula or restricted to our version of absolutes.

My thought is this: sometimes, the greater gift is found in the struggle, in the denial of our request for healing, or in the continued storm, despite our prayer for relief.

When I say that I want His best, I surrender my desire for comfort or ease. Comfort, safety, and security is a stupid request if I have decided to follow the Lord. When I choose to follow Him, it means I follow wherever He leads, whether that be to the desert, the mountains, a place of suffering and struggle, or a place of joy. I don't get to decide. I don't get to say that because I am a servant with given authority I get to pray away every difficulty or struggle or sickness.

I am mortal. His ways are higher and so much greater. I don't want to limit Him by fixating on what I think is best. His best is something far bigger than anything I could imagine, and is sometimes found in ways I can't understand or see. Therefore, my only response is complete surrender. Even when it hurts. Even when it seems like everything is wrong and I can't imagine where the good is. I choose to trust Him and His word above all else.

So, Lord, teach me to walk the path you lay out for me... no matter where it leads. Kill this pride in me that thinks I sometimes know best. I walk in your authority... never in my own. You know best. I choose to trust and walk in that. Mold this heart and this life into what you desire. I am completely yours.

good gifts and sunshine

so i realize this is a recurrent lesson for me... i tend to learn it repeatedly, each time at new depths (thankfully). but ponder this thought with me:

"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed." - Francis Chan

while i'm not necessarily a 'worrier' (i tend to be pretty happy/optimistic about, well, everything), i do like to be in control. i would like a plan and a head's up and to know everyone's intentions from the get go. so when i see something that i want or get it in my head that i need something... it tends to sorta stick around. while i do trust - i know that HE is in control and has my best on His heart and mind - it's sometimes tricky for me to fully apply this in a practical sense.

so here i go, stressing that maybe things won't work out the way i think they should. maybe i won't get what i want. maybe i'll be hurt or disappointed in the end. it happens (often, for me, because i so often see people for who i think they were made to be instead of who they are currently. anyways...). but how often am i distracted by what i want? i waste emotional energy wishing, all the while forgetting that my purpose here is not to be happy or to acquire everything that looks good to me. joy? yes, i've been promised that no matter the circumstances. but that means trusting even when the things i want are withheld. even when i have to walk through the hurt or disappointment, knowing that i serve a God who desires to give good gifts and will ultimately give me the BEST gift - IF i wait on His timing and trust and follow and seek His face. and truly, i want His best... i ache for His presence. i want those gifts that He has planned for me, but sometimes it is so hard to trust that whatever He has could be better than what i see. silly, but my finite mind thinks that maybe it would just be best to take matters into my own hands. which (so far in my experience) ALWAYS ends up without satisfaction. why? because my heart only rests when walking with my Creator. He is my portion and my joy and my life. away from Him i'd be wandering aimlessly forever, seeking out something to satisfy this ache in my heart.

it's hard. it hurts to walk away from something that looks good. but in the grand scheme of things, why the heck am i wasting time longing for something that i know isn't for my ultimate good? especially when i could be pouring that energy and passion into something eternal. like loving people without expecting something in return. or praying for the things i have on my heart. or learning to sacrifice for His cause. i want this life to be spent - not on childish emotions wanting what i want, but sacrificing all that i am for His Kingdom.

i'm trying to learn. i'm aching to know what to do with this longing. so here's my last thought, taken from elizabeth elliot in let me be a woman:

"But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of himself..."

on love and glory...

There's this song I've been listening to on repeat for about a day. I've heard it before many times, but I've been thinking about it much today. A line or two especially stands out, but here are the lyrics:

"If to distant lands I scatter, if I sail to farthest seas, would you find and firm and gather, 'till I only dwell in Thee?
If I flee from greenest pastures, would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after, 'till I only dwell in Thee?
If my heart has one ambition, if my soul one goal to seek: this my solitary vision, 'till I only dwell in Thee..."
(Hymn by Brooke Fraser)

The line that especially stands out to me is this: "If I flee from greenest pastures, would you leave to look for me? Forfeit glory to come after, 'till I only dwell in Thee?" I know that when I ask those questions of the Lord, the answer is an unhesitating 'yes.'

Forfeit glory?? What?

Somehow, I think we (myself included) sometimes casually throw around the idea that Jesus came to earth. And died. For us. Maybe we've heard it so much that it's just become something that we can be nonchalant about. Maybe it's too distant to be a reality to our hearts. I don't know, but I do know this: I've had a fresh revelation of His sacrifice and love.

So, being a girl, one of the biggest desires of my heart is to be pursued, adored, and loved completely for the person that I am. I want someone to be willing to do anything for me, just because I mean that much. I would like to be fought for and pursued and shown that I'm worth it in a thousand ways. One of the biggest ways that I look for that is in people who are willing to serve me. I know some fantastic people/guys, many of whom will do lots of servant-y things for me. They help me move. They help me pick out electronics I know nothing about. They run errands for me. They make me laugh when I've had a crappy day. Yet how many guys do I know that are willing to serve me no matter what the cost? Zilch. Every single one of those guys is willing to serve when the reward is great... when it's easy and there's very little sacrifice involved. Maybe they get to be the hero, maybe a bunch of people will notice, or maybe there is a sweet payoff in the end. Either way, the definition of "servant" is lacking because the motive is not love. Which is sometimes frustrating to me, because my heart would like to be genuinely served even when it's hard and the rewards aren't immenent or obvious.

But here's the thing: Jesus loves me like that. I know it sounds cheesy and maybe cliche, but stick with me.

He forfeited GLORY. Now that is the kind of servanthood I'm talking about. There is something straight up epic about a kind of love that would bring Him out of heaven... where He was God... to become a baby. Goodbye glory. Goodbye millions of angels and heavenly creatures worshipping you for all eternity. Literally, He was on top of the world, with everything at His feet. And His choice? To give it all up and become a human baby. Hello suffering. Hello pain. Hello entropy and the need to shower. God chose to become totally dependent on others. There is no glory to being a human in a fallen world. And even more so as a baby... goodbye authority of any kind.

God chose diapers.
Over the glory of heaven.
For me.


That kind of love makes me cry.

How can I even consider not giving a love like that my everything?

love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all...

Today was a day of errand running and lessons learned. I stopped by the local Super Target to get a couple things (and ended up buying new clothes because they were having a MEGA sale… I got a shirt for 87 cents. 87 CENTS! Anyways…). There were several screaming obnoxious children in various parts of the store, but one kid was really outstanding. I wasn’t entirely sure where in the store he was, but I did know that I could hear him no matter where I was (in SUPER Target… just make note). Because the pitch of his voice, most of his words were totally inaudible, but I could make out a frequent repetition of “I want it!!!! I want it!!!!!!!” followed by loud wailing. Seriously, this kid was good. Apparently his temper tantrum wasn’t getting him what he wanted, though, because he continued screaming, wailing, and crying for a good ten minutes. I could see the other customers exchanging glances and making faces. When I got up to the register to pay, this kid ended up being the next cashier over. Whatever he wanted, he wanted bad; as him mom (who looked uber annoyed/embarrassed) tried to push her cart to the door, he flung himself in front of the cart. When that didn’t work, he tried pushing the cart backwards, screaming, “NO! Don’t leave!!!!! I want it!!!!” As I walked out to my car, I could still hear him, but this time it sounded like he had stopped fighting and dissolved into open sobbing. Poor little guy… he must have felt like the world could no longer continue as he knew it.

Later tonight, the Lord brought that image back to me. He very gently (such a gentleman) pointed out to me that I often was that little boy. Everybody in the store (especially his mom, I’m sure) was aware that he probably didn’t need whatever he wanted. Maybe it was candy or junk food or a toy that would end up lost under his bed in three days time. Maybe it was something that would straight up do him harm. Who knows. But the fact was that his mom knew it wasn’t the best for him. Maybe something better would come along… a more fantastic toy at home or a more satisfying snack. Or maybe he wouldn’t get a replacement to sooth the heartache he had felt leaving whatever he desired behind. But however it worked out – his mom refused because she deemed it was for his BEST. Hmmmm… How often do I throw an inward temper tantrum over what I want, dissolving to heartache and tears because I’ve so convinced myself that this object of my affection is necessary for happiness? I frequently cause myself much more pain by refusing to let go. But how childish! To scream and wail over something I want, when I serve a God Who desires to give me the best, Who dreams bigger than I ever could, and Who knows what I truly need. Sometimes, though, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less painful… sometimes what I want just seems so good. Perhaps, though, that is the lesson I must learn: trusting through the pain, choosing sacrifice and growth over immediate gratification, and opting to trust in a Redeemer Who only has good things for me. The reward? HIS best – probably not at all what I expect or think I need, but in the end the greatest gift and biggest dream. And really, isn’t that what I ultimately want? I think yes!

Oh, for grace for the journey…

sometimes, it seems as though no one gets it...

...which is probably true. Although there are a select few, I'd say most do not...

Earlier this week, I asked a friend of mine how her vacation to the Carribean was, to which she replied, "better than your trip to Haiti! It was so relaxing and nice." Of course, I understand her reasoning... and I'm sure that her trip was "better" in the sense that she likely had heated running water and classy food and cush accommodations. But, somehow, it's come to be that I'd take a tent city in Port au Prince or an African slum over a Carribean cruise ANY day...

What is it about the third world that makes me feel so much more at home than in the States? I don't really know - my only answer is simply that I was made for it. But in an attempt to convey my love for the third world, I'll try to make it more clear.

I love the smell of the third world. Weird, I know. I remember not being so fond of this smell the first couple of times I was in Kenya. BO, burning trash, dirty animals, and cooking spices is not, I admit, a pleasant combination. And I discovered this smell is not limited to Africa, but also exists in the DR and Haiti (and the rest of the third world, I imagine)... and I love it. It's a constant, ever present reminder that my heart can rest, my soul can rejoice 'cuz I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I love sketchy. I do. And all of the variables in the third world mean that it's just a tad sketchy almost all of the time, and I love that. I haven't always. But the third world just has so many adventures that you would never even imagine in the States. Often - to me, at least - it feels as though I get to do so much more living... but I suppose my definition of life is different than many others...

Somehow, it's come to be that I'm so much more at home in the third world...