good gifts and sunshine

so i realize this is a recurrent lesson for me... i tend to learn it repeatedly, each time at new depths (thankfully). but ponder this thought with me:

"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed." - Francis Chan

while i'm not necessarily a 'worrier' (i tend to be pretty happy/optimistic about, well, everything), i do like to be in control. i would like a plan and a head's up and to know everyone's intentions from the get go. so when i see something that i want or get it in my head that i need something... it tends to sorta stick around. while i do trust - i know that HE is in control and has my best on His heart and mind - it's sometimes tricky for me to fully apply this in a practical sense.

so here i go, stressing that maybe things won't work out the way i think they should. maybe i won't get what i want. maybe i'll be hurt or disappointed in the end. it happens (often, for me, because i so often see people for who i think they were made to be instead of who they are currently. anyways...). but how often am i distracted by what i want? i waste emotional energy wishing, all the while forgetting that my purpose here is not to be happy or to acquire everything that looks good to me. joy? yes, i've been promised that no matter the circumstances. but that means trusting even when the things i want are withheld. even when i have to walk through the hurt or disappointment, knowing that i serve a God who desires to give good gifts and will ultimately give me the BEST gift - IF i wait on His timing and trust and follow and seek His face. and truly, i want His best... i ache for His presence. i want those gifts that He has planned for me, but sometimes it is so hard to trust that whatever He has could be better than what i see. silly, but my finite mind thinks that maybe it would just be best to take matters into my own hands. which (so far in my experience) ALWAYS ends up without satisfaction. why? because my heart only rests when walking with my Creator. He is my portion and my joy and my life. away from Him i'd be wandering aimlessly forever, seeking out something to satisfy this ache in my heart.

it's hard. it hurts to walk away from something that looks good. but in the grand scheme of things, why the heck am i wasting time longing for something that i know isn't for my ultimate good? especially when i could be pouring that energy and passion into something eternal. like loving people without expecting something in return. or praying for the things i have on my heart. or learning to sacrifice for His cause. i want this life to be spent - not on childish emotions wanting what i want, but sacrificing all that i am for His Kingdom.

i'm trying to learn. i'm aching to know what to do with this longing. so here's my last thought, taken from elizabeth elliot in let me be a woman:

"But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of himself..."