good gifts and sunshine

so i realize this is a recurrent lesson for me... i tend to learn it repeatedly, each time at new depths (thankfully). but ponder this thought with me:

"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed." - Francis Chan

while i'm not necessarily a 'worrier' (i tend to be pretty happy/optimistic about, well, everything), i do like to be in control. i would like a plan and a head's up and to know everyone's intentions from the get go. so when i see something that i want or get it in my head that i need something... it tends to sorta stick around. while i do trust - i know that HE is in control and has my best on His heart and mind - it's sometimes tricky for me to fully apply this in a practical sense.

so here i go, stressing that maybe things won't work out the way i think they should. maybe i won't get what i want. maybe i'll be hurt or disappointed in the end. it happens (often, for me, because i so often see people for who i think they were made to be instead of who they are currently. anyways...). but how often am i distracted by what i want? i waste emotional energy wishing, all the while forgetting that my purpose here is not to be happy or to acquire everything that looks good to me. joy? yes, i've been promised that no matter the circumstances. but that means trusting even when the things i want are withheld. even when i have to walk through the hurt or disappointment, knowing that i serve a God who desires to give good gifts and will ultimately give me the BEST gift - IF i wait on His timing and trust and follow and seek His face. and truly, i want His best... i ache for His presence. i want those gifts that He has planned for me, but sometimes it is so hard to trust that whatever He has could be better than what i see. silly, but my finite mind thinks that maybe it would just be best to take matters into my own hands. which (so far in my experience) ALWAYS ends up without satisfaction. why? because my heart only rests when walking with my Creator. He is my portion and my joy and my life. away from Him i'd be wandering aimlessly forever, seeking out something to satisfy this ache in my heart.

it's hard. it hurts to walk away from something that looks good. but in the grand scheme of things, why the heck am i wasting time longing for something that i know isn't for my ultimate good? especially when i could be pouring that energy and passion into something eternal. like loving people without expecting something in return. or praying for the things i have on my heart. or learning to sacrifice for His cause. i want this life to be spent - not on childish emotions wanting what i want, but sacrificing all that i am for His Kingdom.

i'm trying to learn. i'm aching to know what to do with this longing. so here's my last thought, taken from elizabeth elliot in let me be a woman:

"But we do not choose gifts, remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of himself..."

on love and glory...

There's this song I've been listening to on repeat for about a day. I've heard it before many times, but I've been thinking about it much today. A line or two especially stands out, but here are the lyrics:

"If to distant lands I scatter, if I sail to farthest seas, would you find and firm and gather, 'till I only dwell in Thee?
If I flee from greenest pastures, would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after, 'till I only dwell in Thee?
If my heart has one ambition, if my soul one goal to seek: this my solitary vision, 'till I only dwell in Thee..."
(Hymn by Brooke Fraser)

The line that especially stands out to me is this: "If I flee from greenest pastures, would you leave to look for me? Forfeit glory to come after, 'till I only dwell in Thee?" I know that when I ask those questions of the Lord, the answer is an unhesitating 'yes.'

Forfeit glory?? What?

Somehow, I think we (myself included) sometimes casually throw around the idea that Jesus came to earth. And died. For us. Maybe we've heard it so much that it's just become something that we can be nonchalant about. Maybe it's too distant to be a reality to our hearts. I don't know, but I do know this: I've had a fresh revelation of His sacrifice and love.

So, being a girl, one of the biggest desires of my heart is to be pursued, adored, and loved completely for the person that I am. I want someone to be willing to do anything for me, just because I mean that much. I would like to be fought for and pursued and shown that I'm worth it in a thousand ways. One of the biggest ways that I look for that is in people who are willing to serve me. I know some fantastic people/guys, many of whom will do lots of servant-y things for me. They help me move. They help me pick out electronics I know nothing about. They run errands for me. They make me laugh when I've had a crappy day. Yet how many guys do I know that are willing to serve me no matter what the cost? Zilch. Every single one of those guys is willing to serve when the reward is great... when it's easy and there's very little sacrifice involved. Maybe they get to be the hero, maybe a bunch of people will notice, or maybe there is a sweet payoff in the end. Either way, the definition of "servant" is lacking because the motive is not love. Which is sometimes frustrating to me, because my heart would like to be genuinely served even when it's hard and the rewards aren't immenent or obvious.

But here's the thing: Jesus loves me like that. I know it sounds cheesy and maybe cliche, but stick with me.

He forfeited GLORY. Now that is the kind of servanthood I'm talking about. There is something straight up epic about a kind of love that would bring Him out of heaven... where He was God... to become a baby. Goodbye glory. Goodbye millions of angels and heavenly creatures worshipping you for all eternity. Literally, He was on top of the world, with everything at His feet. And His choice? To give it all up and become a human baby. Hello suffering. Hello pain. Hello entropy and the need to shower. God chose to become totally dependent on others. There is no glory to being a human in a fallen world. And even more so as a baby... goodbye authority of any kind.

God chose diapers.
Over the glory of heaven.
For me.


That kind of love makes me cry.

How can I even consider not giving a love like that my everything?

love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all...

Today was a day of errand running and lessons learned. I stopped by the local Super Target to get a couple things (and ended up buying new clothes because they were having a MEGA sale… I got a shirt for 87 cents. 87 CENTS! Anyways…). There were several screaming obnoxious children in various parts of the store, but one kid was really outstanding. I wasn’t entirely sure where in the store he was, but I did know that I could hear him no matter where I was (in SUPER Target… just make note). Because the pitch of his voice, most of his words were totally inaudible, but I could make out a frequent repetition of “I want it!!!! I want it!!!!!!!” followed by loud wailing. Seriously, this kid was good. Apparently his temper tantrum wasn’t getting him what he wanted, though, because he continued screaming, wailing, and crying for a good ten minutes. I could see the other customers exchanging glances and making faces. When I got up to the register to pay, this kid ended up being the next cashier over. Whatever he wanted, he wanted bad; as him mom (who looked uber annoyed/embarrassed) tried to push her cart to the door, he flung himself in front of the cart. When that didn’t work, he tried pushing the cart backwards, screaming, “NO! Don’t leave!!!!! I want it!!!!” As I walked out to my car, I could still hear him, but this time it sounded like he had stopped fighting and dissolved into open sobbing. Poor little guy… he must have felt like the world could no longer continue as he knew it.

Later tonight, the Lord brought that image back to me. He very gently (such a gentleman) pointed out to me that I often was that little boy. Everybody in the store (especially his mom, I’m sure) was aware that he probably didn’t need whatever he wanted. Maybe it was candy or junk food or a toy that would end up lost under his bed in three days time. Maybe it was something that would straight up do him harm. Who knows. But the fact was that his mom knew it wasn’t the best for him. Maybe something better would come along… a more fantastic toy at home or a more satisfying snack. Or maybe he wouldn’t get a replacement to sooth the heartache he had felt leaving whatever he desired behind. But however it worked out – his mom refused because she deemed it was for his BEST. Hmmmm… How often do I throw an inward temper tantrum over what I want, dissolving to heartache and tears because I’ve so convinced myself that this object of my affection is necessary for happiness? I frequently cause myself much more pain by refusing to let go. But how childish! To scream and wail over something I want, when I serve a God Who desires to give me the best, Who dreams bigger than I ever could, and Who knows what I truly need. Sometimes, though, that knowledge doesn’t make it any less painful… sometimes what I want just seems so good. Perhaps, though, that is the lesson I must learn: trusting through the pain, choosing sacrifice and growth over immediate gratification, and opting to trust in a Redeemer Who only has good things for me. The reward? HIS best – probably not at all what I expect or think I need, but in the end the greatest gift and biggest dream. And really, isn’t that what I ultimately want? I think yes!

Oh, for grace for the journey…

sometimes, it seems as though no one gets it...

...which is probably true. Although there are a select few, I'd say most do not...

Earlier this week, I asked a friend of mine how her vacation to the Carribean was, to which she replied, "better than your trip to Haiti! It was so relaxing and nice." Of course, I understand her reasoning... and I'm sure that her trip was "better" in the sense that she likely had heated running water and classy food and cush accommodations. But, somehow, it's come to be that I'd take a tent city in Port au Prince or an African slum over a Carribean cruise ANY day...

What is it about the third world that makes me feel so much more at home than in the States? I don't really know - my only answer is simply that I was made for it. But in an attempt to convey my love for the third world, I'll try to make it more clear.

I love the smell of the third world. Weird, I know. I remember not being so fond of this smell the first couple of times I was in Kenya. BO, burning trash, dirty animals, and cooking spices is not, I admit, a pleasant combination. And I discovered this smell is not limited to Africa, but also exists in the DR and Haiti (and the rest of the third world, I imagine)... and I love it. It's a constant, ever present reminder that my heart can rest, my soul can rejoice 'cuz I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I love sketchy. I do. And all of the variables in the third world mean that it's just a tad sketchy almost all of the time, and I love that. I haven't always. But the third world just has so many adventures that you would never even imagine in the States. Often - to me, at least - it feels as though I get to do so much more living... but I suppose my definition of life is different than many others...

Somehow, it's come to be that I'm so much more at home in the third world...

Update... I'm not going to Haiti....

Hey friends!

I so appreciate all your prayers and support, but I'm not going to Haiti this time around. I couldn't get work off, so I'm hoping to go on a future trip. I'm super sad, but trusting that HE has got this whole thing figured out, even when it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. He is a good and faithful God!

I'll definitely keep you all updated - thanks for the prayers and support!

I'm going to Haiti!!

Hey friends!!

I'm going to Haiti in March, and I'm looking for people to join me in prayer! I don't know dates yet, just that it will be in mid or late march. But here's what I know: I'll be going for ten ish days with nine other nurses and nursing students to help with the medical relief effort in Haiti. We'll be working with an organization called NOAH (I think it's the national organization for advancement of Haitians) that has been working on the ground in Haiti since before the earthquake. I'm stoked - this is why I'm in nursing school!! Expenses will be covered, I just need to get myself to Miami and get my immunizations (which, thankfully, I don't really need many) - so expenses are pretty much taken care of! Praise the Lord!

So - back to where you come in! Could you please be praying with me over this trip?? Here are my main prayer points thus far:
- I need to get my shifts covered at work! I'm working at New Life Church - initially they said that I would have to get my shifts covered to go. We may not have a whole lot of notice before the trip, and New Life's Easter production is the last weekend in march, so it may be hard for me to get shifts covered, especially if it's last minute and over the Easter production weekend. So pray for provision there and for grace from my boss!!! I'm trusting that it will work out - as I know I'm supposed to go!
- The majority of those on the team are not believers, and the organization we're working with is not faith based - so the dynamics of the trip will be a little different than a 'mission trip.' Our leader is a believer (yay!), and I'm excited for opportunities with those on the team as well as Haitians!
- Obviously - pray for Haiti! My heart is broken for this nation, and I'm praying that the Lord will give me His heart for these people. I'm praying that He will be their LIFE and BREATH!

And of course there are many more things, so pray as you are lead! And THANK YOU! I so appreciate your prayers!
Blessings,
Arienne :)

Hello, August...

Hey friends!

This week has been wonderful... I'm enjoying spending my last days here with the kids! This week, I've been impressed to pray three specific things for Kenya, and I'd thought I'd pass it along... pray as you are lead! In no particular order:

Rain! It hasn't rained since last week, and MANY crops, especially in central and rift valley province, have been totally scorched by the sun. Already areas of the country are seeing the effects of the shortage, and the government has started talking about importing maize and other foods into the country. Large portions of Nairobi don't have water, since the water sources that usually supply Nairobi are at less than half normal capacity. This week, we have had sporadic water - today there isn't any. Pray for rains, and pray for provision, as much of the maize and wheat is already gone...

The second concerns the spiritual battle here in Kenya, specifically with the Islamic world. The Islamic population is largely concentrated along the eastern coastal region and the north (if you get out a map, you will see why - Somalia, Sudan, and other Muslim nations border Kenya to the north). Currently, Kenya is in the process of creating a new constitution. The Muslims have started requesting that the new constitution include provision of a Muslim court system, in addition to the current system. Currently, the prime minister and the president share power (equally, theoretically) - the Muslims have also said that the constitution should say that if the prime minister or president is a Christian, then the other leader should be a Muslim. Kenya, along with other subsaharan countries, is seeing an increased Muslim presence coming from the north - the portion of Africa which is considered "Christian" is getting pushed further and further south. I'm praying that the opposite would be true - that the truth of the Gospel will begin to push upward and invade the traditionally Muslim countries! This is significant to me - if the Christian population does not begin to fight - pray and go - the influence of Islam will continue further south!

The third is for the judicial system and government. The cabinet and parliament are currently deciding how to handle those who orchestrated and carried out the post-election violence in early 2008. (If you aren't familiar with this story - basically, there was a controversy surrounding the two main presidential candidates in the last election. The results were controversial, and violence began between the tribes of Kenya, as most people supported the candidate who was from their same tribe. Many were killed and several hundred thousand displaced. A power-sharing government was created, giving equal power to the two candidates, one as the prime minister and one as the president.) Most Kenyans don't want the Kenyan courts to try those who are guilty of creating or carrying out the post-election violence because they don't trust the Kenyan courts to get justice... bribery is currently a pretty effective way to get out of most things. And like many other things in Kenya, it all depends on who you know. After investigation from outside sources, several names related to the post-election violence have been given the International Criminal Court, which is normally used only when a country is unable or unwilling to try those guilty of crimes against humanity. So - my prayer is for justice in the Kenyan court system, the end of corruption in the government and judicial system, and for those in power to value truth and justice.

Thanks for joining me in these prayers :)

Other exciting/noteworthy things that have made me smile this week:

- riding home from Nairobi, I saw a sign that said "Norfolk cares. Free water for donkeys!" which I found pretty ironic, given that many humans are currently lacking water. But apparently it was put there because Limuru is notorious for abusing their donkeys... so I guess they wanted to show the donkeys a little love.

- yesterday I picked avocados with Esther. There's an avocado tree behind the house, and we filled a bag with biiiiig avocados... it was glorious. They won't be ripe until after I leave, but the fact that I can pick 15 huge, delicious avocados from a tree in my back yard makes me smile!

- this afternoon I enjoyed a worship time with the kids – they got out a Bible, and the older ones read/translated for the younger ones. We sang and prayed together, and I love seeing how natural it is for them to seek the Lord – I LOVE learning/growing with them!

- for those of you who know of Jack and Paris – they are siblings I met three years ago in Misri. I have seen them each time I’ve returned, and they both have a super special place in my heart. Today, Jack and Paris came to Miracle House to say hi, and they brought their siblings – the oldest, Duncan, whom I have met before, and the youngest (little!!) one, Bryan, whom I haven’t. They took me to their home to meet their mom (their dad was working, so I wasn’t able to meet him), and when we walked in, Paris said, “Mom, we brought Jack’s mzungu!” It was a very special time for me, to be welcomed into this family so fully! It was also good for me to see where they live – Jack and Paris are well cared for, and they have both parents – a rarity in Misri. I’m thankful for that, and thankful for this incredible family that has such a special place in my heart!

Today I had to say goodbye to several of the older primary school children, as I won’t see them next week before I leave, and I’m realizing how hard it’s going to be to leave! This trip has been incredible, and I’m thankful for the family and community the Lord has given me here.

And I’m thankful for you - thanks for your prayers and friendship! I love you all bunches!